Pass The Razors Please-Cutting/Self Injury by synthia esther

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Pass The Razors Please

By Synthia Esther

I wish people would just leave me alone, I hate my life! Sandi slammed the door to her bedroom and locked it. Her mom Nancy, a petite size four, (five- foot-seven), successful bank president has a natural beauty with sparkling hazel eyes and short natural-blond hair. Nancy had just gotten home from work, and immediately started yelling at Sandi, concerning the dirty dishes in the sink and the carpet that hadn't been vacuumed.

 Now locked in her bedroom Sandi zoned out, ignoring her mother's nagging. Life never seemed to get any better for Sandi since her parents divorced. Half of the week she lived with her Dad who was a computer tech specialist. She stayed in the spare bedroom that was painted a dingy beige, sleeping on a twin bed that was adorned with a beige and creme floral bedspread. Curtains that matched hung over a small rectangular shaped window over looking the apartment complex brownish black asphalt parking lot. There was beige carpet on the floors and beige towels in the bathroom. The apartment seemed to be one big blob of beige which Sandi felt matched her dull and boring life.

Her Dad Stan, had been living in the small two bedroom, one bath apartment since moving out of the house over a year ago. The other half of the week Sandi lived with her Mom in the home her parents use to occupy together. There she had her own bedroom which she decorated herself. The wall color was a light purple with trim work done in a gloss white. Sandi selected accessories that were silver and white. The mirror was silver, her furniture was white with silver trim and there was a purple, white and silver geometric printed comforter on the double bed. Her bedroom window over looked the kidney shaped pool in the back yard. Sandi never liked to go swimming so the view was never appealing.

Nancy and Stan felt their 14 year old daughter had handled the divorce well although they both admitted seeing a difference in her temperament. Sandi seemed to be extremely angry and argumentative at times but then again they thought, what teenager isn't? Sandi maintained her grades in school, had made the football cheer leading squad and had a regular baby sitting job. She was also active in church singing in the youth choir. Everyone thought Sandi, "the model student, "had her act together but she knew otherwise.

Sandi had a deep dark secret that was helping her manage her double life. Fellow cheer leader and best friend Natalie shared the same dark secret. They were both cutters who would self-injure their own body. Sandi would cut herself with razor blades or anything else she could find that was sharp enough, as a form of emotional release. She self-injured to sooth feelings of pain, anxiety, stress and sorrow. Natalie always felt numb, alone and empty inside and would self-injure just to "feel" something. She figured anything she felt (even pain), was better than feeling nothing at all. Both Sandi and Natalie would joke with each other during cheer leading camp, over night stays or during breaks at football games saying, "pass the razors, please!"

Sometimes Sandi would self-injure because she felt she never quite measured up to all the other pretty girls at school. She often times thought she was the biggest loser on planet earth when she looked at her image in the mirror. Sandi took after her father Stan, who was short in height, larger in bone structure with tight curly brown hair and big brown eyes. Sandi always had the secret desire to look as tall, slender and pretty as her mother, Nancy. Other times Sandi would cut herself to ease the pain of her parents divorce, the break-up of a boyfriend, or to heal the memories of being sexually molested by her Uncle Brian when she was only eight years old.

Sandi never told anyone except God about Uncle Brian. Everyone seemed to like him so much, Sandi buried the pain and tried to forget the sexual abuse and molestation ever happened. It made her sick to her stomach every time her Mom or Dad would say, "It's Uncle Brian, your favorite Uncle." Holidays were always difficult for Sandi as she would have to face her abuser, good ole Uncle Brian. Cutting helped Sandi put the past behind her and it was a way to feel pain in her physical body, instead of the emotional pain vexing her spirit. In a strange way cutting made her feel she had control of her life.

Natalie used cutting to feel alive and passionate about living. It was always emotionally soothing and comforting to her. Three years ago Natalie's mother, Susan, was killed in an automobile accident by a drunken driver. Shortly after her mothers death Natalie began to self-injure. During overnight stays Sandi and Natalie would often take part in the special ritual of watching each other cut themselves. That is when their private joke, "pass the razors, please," became a reality. Each time they would open a new, fresh pack of sharp razor blades, turn the music on, light some candles and turn off the lights. After their cutting rituals were over they would then compare wounds seeing how deep and wide they had each cut themselves.

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This was a secret both girls vowed to take to their grave. Unfortunately for Natalie, that day came sooner rather than later. Alone one night while listening to one of her mothers favorite radio stations, Natalie cut her self for the last time. Cutting lengthwise and across her wrist and arm, she severed both the Radial and Ulnar arteries with a brand new stainless steel barber's straight razor. Medical doctors believe she suffered from severe depression and in a dissociated state lost all sense of time and reality. Eventually she passed out and bled to death.

Natalie's father, Dave Pensky, came home from work late that night to find his beautiful young daughter covered in blood, dead on her bedroom floor. The small Oklahoma community mourned Natalie's death but none in the community other than Natalie's father, felt her loss more than Sandi. At the funeral Sandi broke down crying over Natalie's coffin, holding a picture of her and Natalie smiling in their cheerleader uniforms close to her chest. She remembered their secret rituals together and how deep and wide they would try and cut themselves. In deep remorse she heard Natalie's haunting voice in her head saying, "pass the razors, please."

 Natalie's father Dave was in shock and looked like a zombie as he sat motionless, tears running down his face. He lost his wife and daughter to addictions destruction and had lost his will to live in the process. Sandi could not look into Mr. Pensky's red, sad and swollen eyes. With her head bowed low she handed him a letter she had written, requesting that he read it later. When the funeral was over and friends and family long gone, Dave read Sandi's letter.

Dear Mr. Pensky,
 I helped kill your daughter Natalie, who was my best friend. We shared the dark secret of "cutting" and vowed to take that secret to our graves. The day Natalie died I gave her a gift of a new 5/8 inch straight barber razor blade as an early birthday present. Natalie had called me feeling alone and depressed and it was me who encouraged her to self-injure using the new sharp barber razor I had given her at school that day. My last words to her were, "just pass yourself a razor!"

I never meant to hurt Natalie in fact I actually thought I was helping her. I had been using my barber razor for over six months and was even going to share my razor strop with Natalie so we could sharpen them during our cutting rituals. Now I know how terribly wrong I was. My dark secret is out in the open as I have also given this letter to my parents. But no matter what I do it will never bring Natalie back to us.

I miss the sound of her voice, the touch of her generous and gentle spirit and the joy she brought into all of our lives. When I first heard Natalie had died I wanted to cut myself as wide, deep and fatal as Natalie had done. I wanted to die and go to my grave. Then I thought of all the people who still believe that self-injury is the answer to their problems. I don't want to live or die with the burden of not having helped as many people as I can stop the dangerous habit of self-mutilating. I hope and pray I find a way to warn others and feel Natalie would want me to.

 I will never believe she meant to kill herself. She loved you too much to ever leave you all alone, no matter how deep her pain was. That is why she kept cutting a secret. I think that is why most cutters and self-mutilators keep it a secret. I have re-dedicated my life to Jesus Christ. I know he loves me and will give me the strength to never cut or injure myself again. He shed his blood so that I don't have to. I am sorry for all the harm and pain I have caused. I pray you will one day find it in your heart to forgive me.

Sandi

• Para-suicidal behavior is the deliberate self-Injury with an intent to harm oneself.
• There is a strong correlation between dissociation and self injurious behavior (Golynkina & Ryle, 1999; Zanarini, Ruser, Frankenburg & Hennen, 2000.)
• Self- mutilation is a coping mechanism that can become psychologically and physically addictive.
• There is a highly significant relationship between childhood sexual abuse and various forms of self-harm later in life, i.e. suicide attempts, cutting, and self-starving particularly (van der Kolk, et al, 1991).
• Most self-injurers have childhood histories of physical or sexual abuse. 40% of persons who self-injure are men (Graff, 1967; Pattison, 1983, Briere, 1988).
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 Sandi and Natalie displayed common behaviors and psychological factors in people who self-injure. These psychological systems can include but are not limited to; sexual molestation, sexual abuse and incest. Mental ill health/psychiatric disorders, depression, feelings of isolation, hopelessness, aggression, abusive childhood, poor parental or partnership difficulties, the loss of a parent or friend, break-up with a girl friend or boy friend, serious illness or disability that affects self-image, powerlessness, people not listening to you, use of drugs or alcohol, revenge, demonic oppression or possession and stressful situations such as war and poverty. Most people who self-injure suffer in silence and self-harm in private.

• Self- harm is more common among women than men and is usually practiced among the younger generation. However, there are people who self-harm in many different age groups.
• Several studies have shown that approximately one out of every 100 people who are seen at the hospital for self-harm will die by suicide within a year of the self-harm. This is a suicide risk approximately 100 times that of the general population ( Hawton, K., "Suicide and Attempted Suicide" in Handbook of Affective Disorders, Paykel, Churchill Livingstone, 1992).
• People who have self-harmed are at greatly increased risk of suicide and should have access to assessment and support. Source: Owens,D, Horrocks,J, House,A, 2002, "Fatal and Non-fatal Repetition of Self-harm; Systematic review", British Journal Of Psychiatry, 181, 193-9. Guthrie,E, Kapur,N, Mackway-Jones,K, et al, 2002, "Randomized Controlled Trial of Brief Psychological Intervention After Deliberate Self-Poisoning", British Medical Journal, 323, 135-83.
• Previous self-harm is a potent risk factor for subsequent suicide, even if it occurred many years ago (Jenkin,GR, Hale,R, Papanastassiou,M, et al, 2002, "Suicide rate 22 years after parasuicide: cohort study", British medical Journal, 323, 1155).
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SIAD (Self-Injury Awareness Day) is on March 1st of every year (Wikpedia). Commonly orange ribbons are worn to support the cause. If you are a self-injurer you are not alone, the late Princess Diana confessed to being a self-mutilator.

• Because it works! Self-injury provides an immediate release of emotional distress but can be both dangerous and fatal. It can make you feel you are in control when in reality you are not. Self-injury is often times an effort to self-soothe by activating endogenous endorphins.
• Acts of self-harm, particularly habitual self-injury such as self-cutting, are often seen by others as manipulative or attention-seeking. However those who do self-harm have usually lived through very difficult and painful experiences and describe their behavior as a way of coping with overwhelming feelings and gaining a sense of control. Source: Mind "Understanding Self-Harm", Information booklet, 2003 (revised), www.mind.org.uk ; Harrison,D, (1996), "Scarred by Pain", Community Care, 29 August - Sept, pg. 17.

• Infection is a common problem in the care, treatment and healing of inflicted cuts, burns and stabs. Internal harm is done to the body by ingesting corrosive chemicals, batteries or pins.
• The habit of self-injury can increase in frequency becoming an obsessional/compulsive addiction.
• Cutting can give you permanent scarring, numbness, or paralysis of fingers.
• Death is the result in some individuals who self-harm.

Reading the word of God offers comfort, peace, love, encouragement, protection, spiritual insight, transformation and divine providence. Personal favorites in time of need are Psalm 23 and Psalm 91. In prayer call on Jesus Christ, a trusted friend on whom you can depend.

Psalm 144:2, “He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, In whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me.”

Psalm 145:9, “The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.”

Psalm 145: 18-19, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.”

Marsha M. Linehan, Ph.D.,(1993), developed Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), suggests using the five senses exercise:

• Vision - Go outside and look at the stars, or flowers, or Autumn leaves.
• Hearing - Listen to beautiful music or invigorating music or the sounds of nature.
• Smell - Light a scented candle, boil a cinnamon stick in water.
• Taste - Drink a soothing, warm, nonalcoholic beverage.
• Touch - Take a hot bubble bath, pet your dog or cat, get a massage.
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• Talk about your problems with someone you trust. Talk to God.
• Talk with a professional who can provide one to one help and solutions. This may include problem solving therapy, Cognitive psychotherapy, Psycho dynamic psychotherapy, Cognitive behavioral therapy, and or Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
• Call your local church for support resources. Talk to a school counselor.
• If the person or people you are around trigger impulses to self-injure yourself, get out of the environment if only for a short period until you feel better able to cope.
• Draw a picture of what or who is causing you emotional pain or anger. Ask God to change the picture, circumstances, and take away the pain.
• Play a musical instrument.
• Instead of cutting yourself, use your razor to cut up a towel or pillow case.
• Punch your bed pillow.
• Allow yourself to cry.
• Pray and/or mediate on God's word. The 23rd, 34th and 91st Psalm will encourage you to have faith and trust in God to deliver you from all your problems. Psalm 34:17-18, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. (18) The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
• Distract yourself: Read a book, write a poem about your feelings/emotions, journal, write a letter to yourself, take a walk, work out, give the dog a bath, visit a friend, paint your finger/toe nails, listen to soothing music while you clean a room, call a friend, take a cold shower, eat something really hot or place a cold ice cube to your forehead allowing it to melt.
• Don't keep secrets.
• Addictive behavior holds the user captive but Jesus Christ came to set the captive free! If you are in emotional despair and feel you are in bondage to the addiction of cutting and self-injury please know that God's promises are bigger than any problems you might have. The Bible declares; "Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world." Please, reach out for help and tell someone you trust about your secret. There are people (myself included), whom you have never met that care, and are praying on your behalf. In this great big world we call earth, God sent me to tell you Sandi's and Natalie's story. There are no coincidences in life (Romans 8:28). God is reaching out to help you and by his grace, mercy and love he will see you through.
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Mark 5:5 "Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones." This scripture reference refers to a man that was possessed by many demons. In his pain and mental anguish he cut himself repeatedly with stones. Only Jesus Christ could eliminate this mans emotional pain and torment. He can do the same for you.

1st Kings 18:28, So they shouted louder and slashed themselves with swords and spears, as was their custom, until their blood flowed. This was done by people in hopes of getting their false God Baal to respond, all to no avail. Elijah repaired the alter of the Lord, which was in ruins, with 12 stones, one for each of the tribes descended from Jacob. He then instructed them to pour water over it and the bull which was cut into pieces and laid on arranged wood. He had them pour water a second and third time until the water ran down around the altar and even filled the trench. He then prayed to God stating in verse 37-38, “Answer me, O Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, O Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.” (38) Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench. (39) When all the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, “The Lord – he is God! The Lord – he is God!”

• National Hopeline Network - 1-800-SUICIDE, 1-800-784-2433, Please note; this 800 number only works within the United States and connects immediately with the crisis center in your area.
• National Adolescent Suicide Hotline, 1-800-621-4000
• National Youth Crisis Hotline, 1-800-448-4663
• National Suicide Prevention Life-line, 1-800-273-TALK
• Samaritans, www.samaritans.org
• Self-Injury Hotline 1-(800)-DON'T CUT – (1-800-366-8288) www.selfinjury.com, SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives Program
• Suicide & Crisis Hotline 1-800-999-9999
• Teen Line 1-800-522-8336
• Teen Helpline 1-800-400-0900
• Youth Crisis Hotline 1-800-448-4663, 1-800-422-0009
• National Self Harm Network, http://www.nshn.co.uk/resources.html, Check out their Resource and Information Lists for people who self-Injure.
• Daily Strength, support Communities, http://www.dailystrength.org, Self-Injury support Community.

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